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thalion
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« on: October 29, 2007 »

Can anyone chcek this essay for me? Please tell me what is wrong with it...



 â€śDiscipline Makes a Nation Great”



            Greatness is explained in many different ways, depending on the person who tries to explain it, but in each and every case, it can be obtained only by keeping discipline, according to a Buddha’s saying : “To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one’s family, to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control one’s own mind. If a man can control his mind, all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him.” If every person was disciplined, the whole nation would be a perfect one. But it is not easy to discipline oneself, it takes much effort; however, the results of disciplining everyone in a nation would be amazing.
               Firstly, everyone has to discipline his own self. Self-discipline is the ability to manage oneself. To discipline oneself, one must control one’s feelings and emotions. Self-discipline is the motivation to determine the best course of action that opposes one’s desire. It is also the ability to get oneself to action regardless of one’s emotional state. And this is the thing that causes the greatest problem and creates the biggest difficulty for human beings. They are very emotional, and if they do not feel emotionally well enough to do even the simplest work, they cannot force themselves to do it, but simply post pond it. They always forget what they were supposed to do, and just try to entertain themselves in many fancy and funny ways, forgetting that the best cure for tired mind is work. After finishing a thing they had to do, they would feel real satisfaction, confidence, and would be authentically pleased with themselves, that they finally managed to finish something. But, unfortunately, human is a lazy creature that does not want to hear about working and even things connected to work. But discipline has also another meaning according to David Campbell, who said that “discipline is remembering what you want.” It means that we cannot forget about our desires but plan everything clearly, so that our desires do not take us apart from work, and our work does not make us forget what we want. We have to be aware that there is always a very thin line between good actions and too good actions that eventually come out to be worse than the bad ones.
                  Secondly, “for every disciplined effort there is a multiple reward,” as Jim Rohn said. So we should try to discipline others, for the results might be amazing. Discipline of a group is a training intended to produce a specific character or patterns of behaviour; especially training that produces moral, psychical or mental development in a particular direction. In other, less complicated words, it is making many people think and behave in a similar way. Of course it has its advantages and disadvantages. Making a large group act in the same way, as if it was one person, is very useful in many ways, especially in army; however, we cannot force others not to think individually, Individualism is very important. Human beings are not robots or machines, they do everything out of their free will, and they do not tolerate any tension or force, so the discipline must not be forced on them. It must be given to them in an accessible form, so that they may like it and willingly choose to follow it. And, by the way, the best results are obtained when people do what they are supposed to do willingly and when they really want to do it.
                      Thirdly, the most important thing people must understand is that they cannot only take but also give. And, by the way, it makes them feel happier and more important. It gives them a kind of pleasant satisfaction that is not easily explained in words. The other thing is that, as Benjamin Franklin said, “he that cannot obey, cannot command.” So we would never be good rulers if first we were not ruled by someone else. We have to understand the ones we rule and obey their wishes, because we do not rule only to feel important, but to help others and provide them with what they need. It is also a kind of discipline: remembering what we want, but not letting our feelings and desires overtake us. But being on both sides, either on the ruling one, or on the ruled one, needs lots of patience. And as Buddha said, “Endurance is one of the most difficult disciplines, but it is to the one that endures that the final victory comes.” All this means that for some time we have to put our desires aside, do not forget them, but only post pond them until their time comes, and concentrate on what is more important in the particular moment. If everyone understood this, life would be much easier and free of anger, arguments, and deceit.
                    Eventually, discipline, while often thought to be a coercive mechanism, can be a collaborative process of building consensus regarding accepted behaviour within institutions and society. So it must be agreed to do a certain thing or to accept a certain philosophy and the decision must be taken by all those, who are going to participate, not only by a small group which is about to rule. And once it is agreed to discipline ourselves, we have to really do this, not neglect it, for ignorance is the most disturbing and destroying thing in the whole world. According to George Washington, “nothing is more harmful to the service than the neglect of discipline; for that discipline, more than numbers, gives one army superiority over another.” It would be the same f we substituted “army” with “nation”. There are many large nations that are careless and so many smaller but disciplined nations gain supremacy over them in each and every field of life, like technology, science, and even sports.
                      As a summary, if people were disciplined, they could obtain anything they want and reach any goal they choose, as Lord Alfred Tennyson said, “self-reverence, self-knowledge, self-control – these three alone lead to sovereign power.” And if the whole nation was disciplined, the life would be a perfect dram. Everything would be possible, for according to Jim Rohn, “discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishments.” Everyone would work hard; no-one would post pond anything. There would be no fear, no stealing, no cheating, no arguments, no conflicts, no anger, no shouting, no wars, no misunderstanding. There would be boundless trust between people, enormous strength of the whole nation, and unstoppable progress in technology, science and knowledge in general, but also living in peace with nature. But of course life cannot be so perfect, for there must always be a villain doing his best to spoil everything; however, even a part of this dream is so wonderful that we should try our best to make it come true, and beautify our lives.
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wordsmith
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« Reply #1 on: November 10, 2007 »

          Greatness is explained in many different ways, depending on the person who tries to explain it, but in each and every (cliche) case, it can be obtained only by keeping wordy, consider through instead discipline, according to a  Buddha’s saying  (wordy, consider using only Buddha  instead,): “To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one’s family, to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control one’s own mind. If a man can control his mind, all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him.” If every person was disciplined, the whole nation would be a perfect one.  (From a personal standpoint, I think you will have a hard time supporting your theory here. Discipline is necessary in one's life, however; each person's perspective on what we need in life is different. Hence the multiplicity of political parties. One needs only to look at Pakistan right now to see the problems caused by a differing political opinion.)  But it is not easy to discipline oneself, it takes much effort; however, the results of disciplining everyone in a nation would be amazing.
               Firstly, everyone has to discipline his own self. Self-discipline is the ability to manage oneself. To discipline oneself, one must control one’s feelings and emotions. Self-discipline is the motivation to determine the best course of action that opposes one’s desire. It is also the ability to get (Weak word choice. Consider move or motivate or something of this nature.)oneself to action regardless of one’s emotional state. And this is the thing that (Wordy. Consider what) causes the greatest problem and creates the biggest difficulty (Redundant)for human beings. They (This sounds as though you are an outsider doing a thesis on an alien species. Consider We) are very (Not everyone is highly emotional and many are only marginally so. Consider eliminating the adjective.)emotional, and if they See abovedo not feel emotionally well enough to do even the simplest work, they cannot force themselves to do it, but simply post pond (Incorrect word choice. Should be "postpone")it. They always forget what they were supposed to do (Tense agreement: "Always" present perfective - "were" past perfective. ), and just try to entertain themselves in many fancy and funny ways forgetting that the best cure for [a] tired mind is work.(You have just insulted the reader as he or she is the one to whom you are referring in the collective "they")After finishing a thing they   had (Weak word choice)to do, they would feel real satisfaction, confidence, and would be authentically pleased with themselves, that they finally managed to finish something. (Convoluted and run on with nothing to support the statement.)But, unfortunately, [the] human is a lazy creature that does not want to hear about working and oreven things connected to work. (Again you have insulted your reader.) But discipline has also (Awkward structure, consider reverse order) another meaning according to David Campbell (WHO? A name without substantiation means nothing. Tell your reader who David Campbell is and his authority if you want his words to carry any weight.), who said that “discipline is remembering what you want.” It means that we cannot forget about our desires but plan everything clearly, so that our desires do not take us apart from work, and our work does not make us forget what we want. We have to be aware that there is always a very thin line between good actions and too good actions that eventually come out to be worse than the bad ones.
                  Secondly, “for every disciplined effort there is a multiple reward,” as Jim Rohn (See Campbell, above)said. So we should try to discipline others, for the results might be amazing. Discipline of a group is a training intended to produce a specific character or patterns of behaviour; especially training that produces moral, psychical [physical or psychic?] or mental development in a particular direction. In other, less complicated words,(unnecessary comma) it is making many people think and behave in a similar way. Of course it has its advantages and disadvantages. Making a large group act in the same way, as if it was  (they were (There is a fine line here but you are talking about a group of individuals not one mass, therefor, you need to use the collective "they were" and not the singular "it was".)) one person, is very useful in many ways, (You have succeeded in contradicting your opening argument. Initially, you contend that people must focus on acheiving discipline within themselves and that we cannot be the source of discipline for others. Now you are advocating something close to enforced discipline on the masses.Personal commentary: This sounds as though you are advocating a 'Hitler-esque' automaton society or a 'Borg collective' many bodies/one mind.) especially in [an] army; however, we cannot force others not to think individually, Individualism is very important. Human beings are not robots or machines, they do everything out of their free will(clincal fact: No they do not. That's why television commercials are successful. People can be and frequently are programmed, unknowlingly to do things without thinking.), and they do not tolerate any tension or force, so the discipline must not be forced on them. It must be given to them in an accessible form, (Brainwashing?)so that they may like it (Again, this insults the reader and suggests that people are mindless and unable to think for themselves)and willingly choose to follow it. And, by the way, the best results are obtained when people do what they are supposed to do willingly and when they really want to do it.
                      Thirdly, the most important thing people must understand is that they cannot only take but also give. And, by the way(cliche), it makes them (Again, the 'Borg collective')feel happier and more important. It gives them a kind of pleasant satisfaction that is not easily explained in words. The other thing is that, as Benjamin Franklin said, “he that cannot obey, cannot command.” So we would never be good rulers (WHO are you suggesting WE rule? This is something almost out of left field and certainly not in keeping with your initial premise of self-discipline. It is also not exactly the message Franklin was trying to convey. His words were more introspective and intended to instruct those who would seek higher political or social power to listen to those who they would 'rule'.)if first we were not ruled by someone else. (?? 'We would never be good rulers if first we were not ruled by someone else.(??) This is a very unclear statement with no supporting argument. Is this actually what you meant to say? It seems to suggest that we, as a people, must first experience being ruled before we are able to rule others. This denies the innate human ability to learn extemporaneously. To discern right from knowing wrong. Your argument here suggests that a person of simple origins could never achieve greatness; a poor man could never become wealthy ... or become president - all of which have come to pass on many occasions. Your arguments are flawed.)We have to understand the ones we rule and obey their wishes, because we do not rule only to feel important, but to help others and provide them with what they need.

*****

Sorry, but I simply cannot finish reading this article. It has degraded to a point of being offensive and condescending to the reader. The premises put forth at the beginning are not supp0rted in the body and the focus has turned from the need for self-imposed discipline to the need for authoritarian control and discipline of the masses by one or a few.

When I first started reading, I considered that, as a high school paper, I would probably give it a C or a C+; whereas, as a college paper, I would give it a D.  By the time I reached my breaking point, the article had been reduced to a D for a high school paper and an F for a college paper. Actually, I would probably have given it back to the college student, marked "INCOMPLETE" and given him or her a day or two to figure out where the true focus of the piece was and to re-write it.

This looks like a first draft, un-edited, stream-of-consciousness bit that needs desperately to be torn apart, have its pieces sorted, and re-written before it is ever submitted to anyone but another proofreader/draft editor.
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